A Letter to My 3-Year-Old Australian Son Regarding July 4th

Dear Cuddlytwinklebottom,

The other day, I asked you where Mommy and Daddy were from and you said, “Who?” I figured you didn’t hear me, so I repeated the question. Then you said, “The plane.” In some ways, you were right, but that certainly wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

I said, “Mommy and Daddy are from America.” And you said, “Where?” So I said, “The United States of America.” And you said, “So?”

And with America’s Independence Day just around the corner, my heart was broken.

Munchkin Pumpkin, I understand that you are Australian, but we’ve tried to get you to appreciate that July 4th is a very important holiday for us as Americans.

We’ve bought you “USA All the Way” t-shirts, US flag sweaters (or jumpers, as you call them) and red white and blue pants that say, “I’m American. What are you looking at, dummy?”. But you hate the clothes and you’ve thrown them in the garbage, which you call “the rubbish”.

And so I have to ask, Munchkin Pumpkin… is “the rubbish” where my The Larry Sanders Show DVD box set is?

I’m not accusing you of anything, but I did see you staring at it with a really weird look on your face the other day. And you love to mess around with DVDs. I mean, you ruined your own Thomas the Tank Engine discs by smashing them against the corner of the living room table. I can only imagine what you did to poor Larry Sanders. Actually, I don’t even want to think about it…

Why are you touching my DVDs?!

Leave them alone! You wouldn’t even understand that show. You’re only three and it’s satire on a very high level! I know I haven’t gotten around to watching all the episodes. It’s just that I’m busy. And no, by “busy”, I don’t mean “drinking wine”.

Yes, I like to have wine, but I also like to watch my favorite shows. Just like you like to watch that crazy British pig jump around and whatever the hell Bob the Builder does (I’ve never seen him actually build something, by the way. He just stands there waving.)

The bottom line is that I like to watch smart comedy programs.

It makes me feel connected to humanity in what has become an otherwise isolating life journey.

Also, Munchkin Pumpkin?

I was thinking of buying The Sopranos series on DVD and I’m even more determined to do so now that James Gandolfini has sadly passed away. Are you going to ruin those DVDs, too? What if they’re Blu-ray? Will you treat them like you treated Larry Sanders?

I’m frightened, son. So frightened.



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