You guys, I almost read this thing on the New York Times parenting site about what the most successful parents do before breakfast. I’m sure it’s all about 4:30am wake-ups, leg lifts and charity work.
But here’s the thing. That’s not how I roll. And I am extremely successful. I mean, I have money. Lots of it. It’s not a secret or anything. It’s just part of who I am as a person.
So how do I do it? Well, the key to getting a lot done before breakfast is pushing back breakfast time.
I don’t eat breakfast until about 3PM. Jealous? Don’t be. I’m going to explain how it’s done.
Here’s a quick rundown of what I, an unbelievably successful parent, do before breakfast:
I’m asleep. But even though I’m not conscious, I’m planning my day, thinking about all the things I’m going to achieve, dreaming about running into people from elementary school and settling old scores.
I’m up before my lady friend and my little miracle baby. This can be the most precious time of the day, so I really take advantage of it.
I take a really long bubble bath.
My little miracle baby is awake. I know because I can hear him babbling random stuff to himself like “The moon landing was a hoax!” and “Creationism has some really sound principles!” and “An ideologically partisan Supreme Court defeats its purpose!” and “Show me Obama’s birth certificate!”
My little miracle baby is still awake and by now, he might be screaming and crying because he wants out of his crib, which is fair enough.
I get out of the bubble bath.
My son plays with this really annoying microphone sing-along toy we got him while I work on my nine act play, which is tentatively called, “Annoying Microphone Sing-Along: Elephant’s Revenge”.
I delete everything I’ve written in the last hour and crawl under my desk for a good cry.
I make coffee.
I’m still making coffee. I drink a lot of coffee. Approximately 24 cups per day. And I make it all at once.
By this point, I’m usually starving. I start thinking to myself, Jesus, why don’t I eat breakfast earlier?! This is crazy! I stare at the box of tissues on my desk until it turns into a big, box-shaped piece of bacon.
I get back into the bubble bath.
Breakfast time! I eat an entire carton of Fruit Loops. No bowl. Just pour the milk into the box and dump it on my head, catching whatever I can in my mouth. Usually takes five or six cartons to get full.
So that’s how I do it. I hope you were taking notes.