How I Trick My Baby into Eating His Veggies – by Chester Gonzalez

My name is Chester “Queso Fresco” Gonzalez and I’m from Galveston, Texas.  I have been a fan of this site for a long ass time, and I got inspired by Albert Valetta’s story about how having a kid changes you, but you can still be a badass and kill people who get in your face.  

Anyways, after I got fired from my meat packing job, I became a full time dad. I got two boys. Carlos is 5 and Mario is 11 months. They are always in line. They don’t act up, and when they do, I give them a flick to the ear like my mother used to do to me.

(Deal with it Obama supporters, I am not raising little punks.)

Mario and Carlos are also good at looking after themselves when I need time for my online business. I sell used baby clothes, leather gun holsters, and 3G cell phones on Ebay and Amazon (PM me if you are looking).

Anyway, as a fan of this site, I have come across a lot of dads who have trouble getting their kids to eat their vegetables. I figured I would share a couple of tricks I have learned.

First of all, it’s not really about “fooling” your kids. It’s more about “tricking them” into eating healthy stuff without them realizing it.

For example, my 11 month old hates broccoli.  Like for real. Every day, it’s a battle to get the green stuff in. I was about to give up and let him eat chicken nuggets 24/7, until I saw something that made the lightbulb in my head click on.

Mario was in the yard eating plants and rocks from under his swing set! I don’t know why he likes the stuff, he just does, and he can’t get enough of that sh!t. Don’t worry, Obama supporters, they’re not big jagged rocks with poison on them, they’re just small little pebbles and little pieces of dirt and junk. The same stuff we all ate as kids.

After like 20 minutes of watching this, I got the idea of using psychology to get him to eat his veggies!

MY PLAN:

I steamed a pot of cauliflower, broccoli and green beans and scattered pieces all around his swing set. After about half an hour of picking and tasting, THE PLAN WORKED! My kid was eating his vegetables! He looked like a little caveman, exploring the dirt, picking up pieces of food. He loved it!

I also started adding black and pinto beans with the rice so they mixed with the pebbles and the dirt real good. It was so cool watching my plan working before my eyes!

We had a scare when he ate a centipede, but after some Benadryl and a prayer to my homie in the sky, Jesus the heavenly father, he started breathing normally again. All good.

Today, I feed both kids this way and they love it. It’s like an Easter egg hunt. And for real yo, who the hell doesn’t like Easter? It’s good for the environment because there’s no dishes to clean, no soap in the drain, and it also teaches survival skills. When they finish, all I got to do is hose them off. The best part is, I can spend more working on my online sales. It’s win win, homie! I am even thinking about doing a garden so they can eat directly from mother nature herself!

This is what cave dads used to be like, I think. Telling their kids what dinosaurs they could or couldn’t eat. I would like to think I am a inspiration to all the other unemployed dads out there, coming up with cool tricks to make our kids more better, and getting them prepared for the end of the world.

That’s the kind of stuff millionaires and billionaires won’t never teach their kids, because they’re too busy feeding them steak and lobster.

Maybe I will write a book? Let me know if you would buy it?

SHOUT OUT TO PFC ARMANDO GONZALES USMC OORAH!

Peace,

Chester “Queso Fresco” Gonzales

 

[Photo via stock.xchng]

 

16 Comments

  • Joe Saxon says:

    This guy is my new hero. Every kid who can’t appreciate the food on his plate that us men work like dogs for should be fed this way. It all comes from the ground, and we will all return to the ground someday — It’s just a question of when, and who we take with us.

  • Dimitri Clarke says:

    If your kid develops the taste for centipedes, you can always buy gummy worms. That’s what I did when I found out my kid was eating worms from my compost heap.

  • Barry Hoda says:

    Worms are a good source of protein, but they have to be deveined like shrimp, otherwise they could get your kid sick. You need to starve them before you at them. You can also feed them sugar water for a day or two before to make them sweet. Personally my kid likes the real thing more than gummi worms. If you’re passing on survival skills, this is the way to go. Jesus ain’t bringing no picnic baskets for us when the rapture comes : )

  • Mark Waldman says:

    I am sorry but this is the worst parenting advice I’ve ever seen in my life.

  • Gladys Adams Mclatchy says:

    My son Gary and grandson Toby won second place in the father-son regional talent show! Everyone loved their ventriloquist act! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

  • Dr. Jeffrey Finger says:

    It is not advisable to feed your children rocks and sediment. They could develop intestinal complications. Would the moderator please see to it that the contributor sees this.

  • Nick Bhasin says:

    Dr. Finger is right, everyone. Children should not be eating rocks and sediment.

    We here at DLM continue to hope that Chester’s children are okay.

  • Mark Waldman says:

    Finally! Some sense…

  • Rob Duffy says:

    Kids can eat anything. I spend 6 years in Bangkok working for a party bus and saw kids eat dirt, bugs, garbage, all kinds of crap. It’s totally the norm there. People here are just too uptight about it. One day, we paid one kid 65 cents to eat a brillo pad. It was hilarious. No one died.

  • MB says:

    Is this site for real? This is either genius or you’re all a bunch of freaks!

  • Pete Jordan says:

    I was wondering the same thing. But the honesty is so raw, so real, I don’t know how it can be fake.

    I know it’s not a popular idea, but letting kids eat dirt can be a good way to teach them about life. My parents let me eat some dirt and I turned out fine 🙁

    Wait, I meant to make that a smiley face. Like this 🙁

    Hold on, let me try again

    🙁

    Oh, god why can’t I make a smiley face?!?!

  • Enchantedprincess says:

    This is heartbreaking! These boys need a mother! I’m guessing she is dead. She has to be, or she would die at the thought of her kids eating like this.

    • Nick Bhasin says:

      That is a legitimate question that will have to be addressed in the inevitable follow up to this piece – where is the mother in all of this?

      I assumed she was okay with the dirt-eating. I should have asked.

      For that I apologise.

  • Susy Chang Tepoot says:

    I feel bad for these childrens. The dad should be in jail prison. What if childrens eats a dog or a cat poops? This would be bad. Dog poops and cat poops are yuck! Yuck to bad dad!

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