It’s Father’s Day in Australia on Sunday, you guys. It’s my favourite time of year because I get a lot of presents. I know, I know. Father’s Day isn’t really about presents. It’s about Jesus. And that’s great. But getting presents is pretty great, too.
Now, you might be thinking, “Dammit, I forgot it’s Father’s Day on Sunday! What am I supposed to get my father?!” Well, I don’t think that kind of language is necessary, but you can stop worrying. I’ve gone through every Father’s Day present possibility and come up with what might be the most comprehensive list of last-minute gift ideas you will ever encounter in this life or the next.
Let’s get going. You don’t have much time…
This should be pretty self explanatory, but watches can tell you what time it is. If you don’t have a watch, what do you do, look at the sun? Come on!
I am immaculately groomed and preposterously attractive, so nose hair isn’t really a problem for me. But there are a lot of hairy dads out there. (If you’re interested, a lot of them are on www.hairy-dad-or-gorilla-you-choose.org.)
Shot Glass Filled with Dice
As a father, sometimes I’ll wake up on one of those cold winter mornings and the first thing I think is, “Give me a drink and some dice and get out of my way.” LOL, etc.
Subscription to Pig Hunter Magazine
A man can call himself a father, but if he hasn’t carried a 400 pound boar on his back through the mountains, he’s not much of one.
Several Rocking Chairs
As a father, I love rocking chairs. Know what I love even more? Lots of rocking chairs! I love to sit on them, move them around, all of it!
Sometimes when my lady friend is yelling at me about something or other, I go out onto the balcony and rearrange my rocking chairs. Then she’s all like, “There he goes, moving around his rocking chairs again.”
I love her more and more every day, you guys.
I am always looking for new ways to keep an eye on my boy, who is usually up to no good – pouring all my cereal into the garbage in the middle of the night, pouring all my cereal into my pillowcase in the middle of the day, etc.
Membership to the Sausage-of-the-Month Club
Every month Daddy gets a sausage. That says it all, really.
A Board Game
I’ve made no secret of the fact that board games are fun. Actually, I have kept that a secret. Until now!
They’re great. I love to sit with my boy, move the pieces, get angry when I lose, and then throw the game and the pieces across the room.
Whatever This Thing Is
A gift doesn’t need to be recognizable to be good, you guys.
A Cheap Camera
Sometimes I go on holidays where I’m just having a miserable time and I don’t want to remember any of what just happened. But I can’t throw my camera in the sea because it’s so expensive.
That’s where the cheap camera comes in. You can throw it at a wall, stomp on it, or just toss it in the trash. No one cares! It’s cheap!
Men should never wear shorts. So if the special daddy in your life needs to wear them for whatever reason, he might as well wear these hideous things.
A Hilarious Mug
If your daddy doesn’t find this mug hilarious, he’s not your real daddy.
Swiss Army Knife
Let’s say you’ve got a daddy and he’s Swiss and in the army. What is he doing without this knife? I don’t even want to hear it until you get him this knife.
An In-Your-Face T-shirt
Has the daddy in your life ever been bro’d by someone that he didn’t know? Then he needs this shirt.
Gold Canned Drinks
As most fathers will tell you, all the best drinks come in gold cans:
Golden Goose Tequila, Gold Gold the Badger Beer, Gold Bubble Sweet’n’Sour Sparkling Wine, Golden Cream Corn Soda, etc.
An Ecuadorian Pelican
Because no one ever thinks they need a pelican… until it’s too late.
Happy Father’s Day gift-giving, everybody!