Solve Your Daddy-besity Fatness with this Daddy’s Little Miracle Diet

There’s been a lot of talk about how dads are getting fatter. At first I thought this was preposterous. I don’t really know any fat people. But just like some people don’t see race, I don’t see weight. We’re all just people to me.

But I got a rude awakening when I saw this story in the New York Times about how hard it is for dads to not gain weight. I didn’t read past the headline, but it seemed like there were a lot of people out there suffering from fatness, which is, generally speaking, wrong.

Well, I hate to watch people, especially my fellow daddies, suffer. That’s just me. So I’ve come up with a highly specialised Daddy’s Little Miracle Diet for fathers to follow. It’s based on all the latest scientific research on getting people to not be fatties. And it’s heartbreakingly easy to follow!

Here’s a sample week…

SUNDAY

Always start a diet on Sunday. That way you can say “diet starts Sunday” instead of “diet starts Monday”, which is what everyone says.

Also, what are you doing eating things that aren’t good for you on Sunday? You should be in church, sinner.

Breakfast:

One small bowl of oatmeal

Snack:

Mixed nuts and raisins

Lunch:

A chicken breast about the size of the palm of your hand (let’s hope you have big hands, LOL)

Snack:

Six rocks

Dinner:

Roasted salmon and broccoli

MONDAY

You should be getting the feel of your diet by now, even though it’s only been one day and you’re still extremely fat. Don’t be discouraged.

Handy reminder: Don’t look at yourself in the mirror.

Breakfast:

Mixed nuts and raisins

Snack:

A small bag of corn feed

Lunch:

Half a can of Beefaroni

Snack:

The other half can of Beefaroni

Dinner:

The first half can of Beefaroni

TUESDAY

They should change the name of Tuesday to “Loseday” because that’s what you’ll be doing. Losing. Weight.

The third day on the DLM Diet, if followed properly, will see you dropping the kilos and/or pounds in alarming amounts. In fact, if you haven’t lost 12 kgs (25lbs) by this point, you’re doing something wrong. Start over.

Breakfast:

A box of tissues

Snack:

17 wholemeal biscuits

Lunch:

The 50 Shades of Grey series

Snack:

Protein bar

Dinner:

Grilled chicken and rice

WEDNESDAY

They don’t call it hump day for nothing! LOL.

But, seriously, under no circumstances should you try to eat a camel. You probably shouldn’t be doing that even when you’re not on a diet. Just seems weird.

In case this doesn’t come as second nature to you, camel will be aggressively absent from the rest of the diet plan.

Breakfast:

Fried camel (that was a test; do NOT eat any camel on this diet)

Snack:

A workout DVD

Lunch:

Rack of ribs, no sauce

Snack:

A bottle of sauce, doesn’t matter what kind

Dinner:

Great Expectations, original signed edition where a drunken Charles Dickens mistakenly signed his name “C. Dickhead”

THURSDAY

You’re almost done with one week! Are you proud of yourself? (Don’t look in the mirror! Just don’t!)

Well, you should be. It’s not easy to get this far in the DLM Diet. Many people have tried and many people have failed. A lot couldn’t get past the bottle of sauce (hint: pick an easy sauce), some have had a hard time eating rocks.

Doesn’t matter. You got here and you only have yourself to congratulate. But don’t look back. Yes, you’ve eaten rocks. But now’s not the time to look back. Stop living in the past. Looking forward is the only way forward. You’re still alive and you’re looking better than ever!

(You were about to look at yourself in the mirror just now, weren’t you? Don’t!)

So let’s keep going!

Breakfast:

A “head and shoulder” of lettuce

Snack:

The Head of Alfredo Garcia

Lunch:

The glowing keyboard from the Tron remake

Snack:

Drum set

Dinner:

45 eggs (chickens should have started off free range, then made organic, then caged, then set loose, then lassoed, then put behind the wheel of a car, then arrested)

FRIDAY

A lot of diets fall apart on Friday. It’s the last day of the work week, you feel like celebrating, knocking back a couple of cold ones, hoover up some pixie sticks, guzzle down some lighter fluid, whatever you’re into.

But all of that stuff has empty calories. Here’s a trick: go to sleep right after work. It’s great for your metabolism and you won’t be tempted to enter that Krispy Kreme Marshmallow Burger eating contest.

Breakfast:

A hammer

Snack:

Mixed nuts and raisins

Lunch:

A rooster after a cockfight (make sure you eat a winner)

Snack:

English muffin, topped with wood chips, live snapper

Dinner:

Two beef medallions (if necessary, substitute medallions shape for first prize ribbon shape)

SATURDAY

This is it. Last day of the diet.

You should have lost approximately 59 kgs (361 stone). If you haven’t, you might be tempted to blame the diet. Don’t. Everyone’s body is different, but they all respond to the DLM Diet.

Ask yourself, did you cheat? Are you a dirty cheater? Maybe you are. But the DLM Diet can’t help you there. That’s a whole other plan! LOL! (Stop laughing. This is serious.)

Breakfast:

Grapefruit, hollowed out and filled with mud

Snack:

Yogurt and dried peaches (dried fruit should have been through an organic beating process – thrown up against a wall, punched, just seriously smashed up)

Lunch:

Spicy carpet roll

Snack:

A bag of coins

Dinner:

Chicken salad (no dressing; no chicken; no salad… just eat mixed nuts and raisins)

Congratulations! You made it! Looking slimmer?

(Don’t look in the mirror!)

I thought so!

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