My 14 New Year’s Resolutions

Happy New Year, everybody!

Oh, man, I love getting a fresh start like this. Just leaving behind all the regrettable life choices and sadness and… no! I promised myself 2013 was going to be about positivity! Faith! Healing! Hope!

In fact, I’ve written a list of 14 resolutions for the new year. They’re very similar to last year’s resolutions, except I don’t have to focus on eating less ice cream in the shower. Got that under control, you guys.

Of course, before I became a father, a lot of my resolutions were self-centred – become famous, win an eating competition, etc. But with my little miracle baby hanging around, it’s hard not to look at him and think, “I want to be a better daddy.”

So that’s at the top of my list this year…


Be a better daddy. 
Be more present; enjoy my little miracle baby and my lady friend. 
Learn to accept my body, which will be a lot easier if it’s not so tubby. 
Try not to lose my temper so much at the casino. It’s not the slot machine’s fault I’m losing again. And the old lady isn’t necessarily being smug. She might be smirking because of that stroke she had. 
Teach my boy how to ride a bike. 
Teach my boy how to work the slot machine while wearing an “adult disguise”, which will involve stilts, a trench coat and fake beard. Let’s see that old stroke victim be smug about that. 
Watch less TV. 
Go to church more. 
Stop calling the casino “church”. 
Fight a dramatic court battle in the context of a class action lawsuit that really shakes things up around here. 
Stop calling any all-you-can-eat buffet “church”. 
Stop insisting I’m being Australian by using the expression, “Got a koala in your pocket?” Nobody knows what it means and it’s not making me popular. 
Wear looser shirts and tighter pants. Look into jeggings.

Stop wearing shoes with right-wing political messages like “Love it or leave it” or “Got a koala in your pocket?”



Wow, that felt great. Really cleansing.

So, I’m curious – what are your new year’s resolutions?