How to Buy a Car, the DLM Way: Part 1

If you’ve been trolling automotive chat rooms or joined the social network of Hot Chicks Wash Hot Cars with Hot Sauce magazine, you know that my lady friend and I bought a new car.

I’ve always been slow at making important decisions and now that I’m a parent, I’m even slower. (Who can concentrate with all that racket?) So buying a car turned into a real journey – one that I hope you will benefit from.

The process began, as many do, with a conversation…

I was on a trip with some other males and I found myself talking about cars. I’m a real guy’s guy, so that’s the sort of thing I do when I go on a trip. I talk about cars, lingerie football and hammers. It’s all a part of what makes me so relatable to both the ladies and the fellas.

Well, the guy I was talking to about cars happened to know a lot more about cars than I did. A lot more. I was out of my depth, you guys. But sometimes, being out of your depth and admitting it like it makes you special is what parenting and buying a car is all about…

AUTOMOTIVE JOHNNY: What kind of car do you drive?

ME: That’s none of your business, Automotive Johnny.

AJ: You don’t know, do you.

ME: I know! It’s just that it’s private. I mean, we just met…

AJ: So what kind of car is it?

ME: Well, if you must know, it’s a 1991… car…

AJ: Good…

ME: Um… white… the tires are black, I’m pretty sure.

AJ: If you’re driving a car from 1991, odds are it doesn’t have modern safety features, which have become quite extensive.

ME: What’s a safety feature?

AJ: You don’t know what a safety feature is?

ME: I know!

AJ: Are you sure?

ME: No.

AJ: Cars are sometimes dangerous to drive. They’re very large and made of metal and they go fast, so if you hit something, or something hits you, your safety is in jeopardy.

ME: If cars are so dangerous, why does everyone drive them?

AJ: Because they’re convenient and when driven properly, can be very safe.

ME: Um, hello? That’s why I don’t hit anything when I drive?

AJ: What if something hits you?

ME: Who or what would DARE hit me while I’m driving?

AJ: Another car?

ME: What?! Why would anyone do that?! Where are you driving that all these other cars are trying to smash into you? It sounds like you’re thinking of bumper cars. Is that what you’re talking about? I’m talking about real roads and cars. I rarely drive bumper cars out in the streets.

AJ: I’m not talking about bumper cars. I’m talking about getting into a car accident. That can happen sometimes.

ME: Outrageous! What are they, just falling out of the sky? It’s like you live in some kind of imaginary universe where cars fall out of the sky and smash on top of people. I thought we were having a serious conversation.

AJ: You are driving a death trap. You need more air bags, more stability control…

ME: Air? Bag?

AJ: It’s a big cushion that blows up when you hit something so you don’t hurt yourself. They come all around the car now so everyone is protected.

ME: Right. And who protects you from the air bag?

AJ: Um…

ME: Stumped you, didn’t I, Automotive Johnny?

AJ: Why do you keep calling me that?

ME: To protect the innocent?

AJ: You need to get a new car, especially now that you’re carrying precious cargo.

ME: I always make sure my iPad is wearing a seatbelt.

AJ: I’m not talking about your iPad.

ME: Are you talking about my iPhone?

AJ: No.

ME: My expensive jeans?

AJ: Definitely not. I’m talking about your son.

ME: You mean, my little miracle baby? He loves driving in my 1991 white… car.

AJ: You don’t let him drive the car, do you? How would he even reach the steering wheel?

ME: He’s not an idiot. He uses his feet, like all driving babies.

AJ: Dear God…

ME: Exactly.

AJ: You need to get a new car.

ME: Do I need a new car… or a bigger baby?

AJ: You can’t just get a bigger baby.

ME: So many rules!

AJ: Welcome to parenting.

ME: LOL. Good one, Automotive Johnny.

I didn’t actually LOL, you guys. Driving is serious business, especially where safety is concerned. And especially especially where my little miracle baby is concerned. I’d do anything for that guy.

And good ol’ Automotive Johnny was making a lot of sense. So I set out to buy a new car. It was quite an adventure. Quite an adventure indeed…

To be continued. To be continued indeed…

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