When my family and I finally arrived in Melbourne, we were happy to be back in civilisation.
“I’m sure as sh*& tired of all this PRTR (Possible Road Trip Racism),” my toddler said. It’s not often he’s in such a great mood, so I decided not to tell him about Melbourne’s recent difficulties with DTR (Definite Train Racism).
When we got to our hotel, my boy does what he always does – he headed straight for the minibar.
I heard a shriek.
“What in the name of Jesus and Joseph is this?!”
He was holding up one of these:
I tried to explain to the boy that whisky and cola are popular combinations, so they just put them together in one can.
“Of course!” he shouted. “We don’t have time to just take one kind of liquid and then add it to another kind of liquid. That could take precious seconds that could be used for getting wasted!”
Then he saw this:
“What does G&T stand for?” he asked.”Gin and Tonic,” I said.”That doesn’t sound right.”
“What do you think it stands for?”
“Gumdrops and Ticklebushes.”
“That is not correct.”
“We’ll leave that for the courts to decide.”
I had no idea what courts he was talking about, you guys.
When we hit the Melbourne streets, we came across this guy:
Funky Bunny! A grown man dressed in a bunny suit playing a guitar. So quirky and fun!Well, my son didn’t see it that way. When the bunny’s set was over, he grabbed him by the ears, pressed his face up against his and screamed, “Have some f&#*@@$ing self-respect, man!”It was so embarrassing. I had to pull the boy off him!
Little Creatures is my favourite beer in the world. And they put their logo on these bicycles, so I just had to take a photo.
The boy, of course, wasn’t impressed.”Right now, there are three French carnival barkers from the 50s wondering who stole their bikes,” he said. “Let’s go.”…
Our next stop was The Everleigh, a fantastic cocktail bar…
This place was amazing. Great whisky sours. They also had this eerie painting:
My son was entranced.”He’s looking right at me,” he said, unable to tear himself away. “I… I think he wants to say something…”I hate to extinguish a child’s imagination, so I asked him what he thought the painting was trying to say to him.
“He just said you have a serious weight problem,” my son said.
Should have seen that one coming.
This was interesting…
My son has a bunny that he brings everywhere. It’s basically his best friend and it looks like this:
Imagine my surprise when we came across this sign:
The boy let out a horrible gasp.”That. Slut,” he said.I tried to explain that it was just a coincidence, but he said he doesn’t believe in coincidences. Just “coinci-don’t-ces”.
Again, I had no idea what he was talking about.
In Melbourne, the streets are lined with bathrooms from the future! Check it out:
My boy said, “It would be my pleasure to soil myself in one of those things.” And I was tempted to agree. But that’s pretty gross….And this was the last thing we saw as we were leaving Melbourne:
I’ll never forget it.