Explaining “Downton Abbey” to My Little Miracle Baby

I don’t know why I like it, but I can’t stop watching Downton Abbey, you guys. The accents, the bookshelves, the brandy… it’s all so delightful.

I didn’t think it would be my little miracle baby’s cup of tea, but he says it’s become “appointment viewing” for him, whatever that means. He also describes himself as a “monarchist with fascist leanings”. He’s learning so many new words every day!

So we plowed into Series 2 with our upper lips decidedly stiffened. As usual, my baby’s sometimes views do not reflect my own.

My Little Miracle Baby:  This man with no neck has amazing hair.  I hope he finds love with the thin-lipped pasty floozy.

Me:  Floozy?

MLMB:  That’s being kind.  I mean, my God, show a little restraint, woman!

MLMB:  I’m going to start walking around with one hand behind my back like these servants when they serve somebody.  It’s hilarious.  There truly is a lighter side to servitude!

Me:  I’m not sure that’s the lesson to be learned here.

MLMB:  Stick to your history books, Professor.

MLMB:  This is Elizabeth McGovern’s best work since She’s Having a Baby.

Me:  When did you watch She’s Having a Baby?

MLMB:  I think it was around the time you were eating all those candy bars in that darkened corner of your bedroom?  Remember?

Me:  Um… no.

MLMB:  I love the way they end every episode with a speech from this old guy.  From now on, I’m not going to bed before I say something that sums up the whole day.  

(Puts on a Franco-Hungarian accent)  “Life is full of diapers and disappointments.  And just as the nation has learned to deal with its own obesity crisis, so must you.”

MLMB:  I can’t believe Mary Thin Lips is even thinking about marrying this rich, evil d-bag from Game of Thrones.  Well, I guess he is rich.  Also, he’s a newspaper man, which I respect.  Unless he’s doing any phone hacking.  That’s not cool.  Wait, where are all the phones on this show?  Also, am I the only one who’s noticed no one has mentioned a computer yet?

MLMB:  I wish real life was just like this, where we all sat around the parlour saying passive aggressively offensive things to each other and no one confronts anyone.  They just react by looking at the floor and taking a sip of brandy.

(In a Greco-Prussian accent)  Mm, that was a lovely supper.  You appear to have gained weight.

Me:  Well, I am getting older and…

MLMB:  I mean since yesterday.  You look like you’ve put on a considerable amount of weight overnight.

Me:  That’s not nice.

MLMB:  And now I’m looking down and taking a sip of brandy.  Good day, sir.

MLMB:  Is it weird that I think the middle sister is the hottest?  I’d like to take her for a Sunday constitutional, if you get my meaning.

Me:  No.  What do you mean?

MLMB:  I believe it’s a wrestling term.

Me:  So you want to wrestle her.

MLMB:  I don’t know what wrestling is.

Me:  Oh.


MLMB:  Well, congratulations!  You’ve got a bigger vocabulary than a 2-year-old!  Proud of yourself, Einstein?

MLMB:  Wait a minute.  These families are related.  Mary Pointy Nose and Flat Hair Johnny are cousins!  This is f#$@ing sick.  They should call this show Incest Pervert Abbey Alley!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.