You guys, when it comes to weight loss, I need the quick fix. And I need specific instructions on how to implement that quick fix. Show me the numbers, that’s my motto.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I found out there was a scientific formula to losing weight. I was nervous about sharing the news with my little miracle baby, because he has a way of raining on my parade. But he seemed genuinely happy for me. At first.
ME: Our problems are over, son! I’ve found a weight loss formula!
MY LITTLE MIRACLE BABY: That’s great. But in what way is weight loss our problem?
ME: It doesn’t matter. Don’t you see? There’s a formula.
MLMB: I’ve got a formula for you. Stop Eating Burritos At 2 AM + Some &#@$-ing Sit-ups = You Can Fit Into Human Pants.
ME: Sorry, what kind of pants do you think I’m wearing?
MLMB: Those things have clearly been constructed for hippo use. Hippos with self esteem and/ or glandular issues.
ME: Well, I’ve got a formula for you. Bed Time + Dirty Diapers… um…
MLMB: Please, don’t exert yourself. You might rip your hippo pants.