Daddy Diet Diary: Day 1

My little miracle baby has made no secret of the fact that he thinks I’m overweight. How do I know? Well, he’s dropped subtle hints like…

“Hey, Porky, where’s my dinner? Or did you eat it already? Oink oink oink!”

And…

“Look out! Wide load comin’ through! Beep beep beep!”

And…

“If you’re about to ask me if those jeans make you look fat, then the answer is yes, they do make you look fat. But it’s not the jeans. You’re fat.”

My God, he’s cruel. So after a weekend of eating my feelings, I’ve decided to go on a Daddy Diet and write about it in a Daddy Diet Diary – when I have the time and the strength and am not drained from extreme hunger and depression.

Here’s my diary for Day 1:

8:00 am

First meal of the day? Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I know it’s not healthy, but I’ve got a bag of the stuff in the pantry and I need to finish it. Don’t waste food, that’s my motto.

9:00 am

I can still feel the ribs, wings and ice cream from last night fighting each other in my stomach. No matter who wins, I lose.

10:00 am

Need to get my stomach pumped. Take me to the hospital, that’s my motto.

11:00 am

Second meal of the day? Half sandwich. Why half? To keep the metabolism going. Why the metabolism? I don’t know. I read it in a magazine called Half Sandwich Weekly.

12:00 pm

I am so hungry. My god, this was a horrible idea. Horrible!

1:00 pm

I want to eat everything. The phone, the computer. Everything.

2:00 pm

I am five seconds away from running down the street, jumping over the counter at McDonald’s and dunking my head into a basket of fries. Goodbye cruel world!

3:00 pm

Managed to avoid the McDonald’s counter jump. Second meal of the day? Second half sandwich. Let the good times roll…

4:00pm

Trying to psyche myself up with Kate Moss sayings. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” Do I have that right?  “Nothing feels as good as tasting skinny does.” Jesus, is McDonald’s still open? How high is that counter?

5:00 pm

I just took a bite out of a ream of paper. No hot sauce or anything.

6:00 pm

Can I just go to sleep now? Sleep makes you lose weight, I heard.

7:00 pm

At the gym, blasting my bi’s and tri’s. These babies are talking to me!

8:00 pm

Too weak to finish the workout. How much does lipo cost? Is that the same thing as a tummy tuck? How much does the TT cost? What about that one where they tie up your stomach so you can’t eat anymore? I’ll have one of those, please. Time to do some Internet research.

11:00 pm

Quickly realized I couldn’t afford a quick fix, so I spent three hours writing anonymous, profanity-laced 500-word comments on websites like If You’re Not Skinny You’re Fat and Not Happy? Look In The Mirror. You’re Fat.

11:30 pmI checked in on my little miracle baby before going to bed. Sound asleep and so cute. But when he exhaled it sounded like he was saying, “Tubby tubby tubby…” That part wasn’t that cute. And his stuffed platypus was starting to look tasty. I got out of there.

Can’t wait for tomorrow!

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