You guys, in life, when you become a parent, your priorities shift. It’s the most natural and beautiful thing in the world. Suddenly, there’s a brand new person in your house that needs your love and attention or he / she won’t grow up into a nice person. And, of course, I’ve completely embraced this new role whole-heartedly and without reservation.
But we all slip up now and then. It’s part of being human.
In fact, just the other day, I was in the middle of a blissful family bonding time session – my lady friend, little miracle baby and I were playing Monopoly or watching TV or taking a nap, I forget, who cares – when I happened to read this thing on the Internet saying that prepackaged cookie dough might not be so great for your health.
Being the cookie dough lover that I am, I did not take the news well.
I basically flew into a rage and screamed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” like I was Superman and Lois Lane was dead in my arms. But instead of flying around the planet to reverse time, I locked myself in the bathroom with 14 tubs of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ate until I couldn’t remember my name or where I had come from.
Then I started shouting “If I can’t have it, no one can!” and tried to flush the rest of the ice cream down the toilet. Then I tried to flush myself down the toilet.
My lady friend later told me that when she eventually broke her way into the bathroom, she found me passed out on the floor, soaking wet and covered in cookie dough.
She also told me that, because of me, our baby had to go to bed without a bath and she couldn’t brush her teeth or get to her asthma medicine.
And then I was all like, “Whoops!”
But that’s parenting for you.