HEY! WATCH OUT! WARNING! BE CAREFUL!
This post, in addition to being hilarious and full of crucial information, may contain what people in the biz call “spoiler alerts” or “spoilerts”. So consider yourself spoilerted.
You guys, I went to see The Amazing Spider-Man 2, now out in theatres, the other day and it was fantastic. I was a huge fan of the comic growing up and with every new movie, the filmmakers are getting better and better at bringing Spider-Man to life, expertly recreating his spectacular agility and strength. There are some departures, of course, but I forgot about them with all the stunning camera work. Plus, I don’t care what you’re into, Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone have charm ’til Tuesday.
But this film wasn’t just entertaining. It was also full of invaluable tips to being a better parent!
Here are 10 crucial parenting lessons I learned from The Amazing Spider-Man 2…
1. Don’t rob your child of its youth
Probably the biggest parenting takeaway from this movie is the way Harry Osborn’s father treats him, turning him into the monster we knew he’d become because we’ve read the comic books or seen the previous 4 Spider-Man movies. Harry’s father basically treated him like garbage throughout his childhood and then died from some weird disease that he also passed on to his son – and he didn’t seem too sorry about it. Not a nice guy.
If you have a son, don’t rob him of his childhood. And if you do rob him of his childhood, don’t rub his nose in it on your deathbed. That’s just mean. Plus, it could turn the boy into a homicidal maniac.
2. A sloppy room = sloppy parenting
I don’t care if you’re Spider-Man or Superman or Michael Mann or Man Ray, you’ve got to clean your room.
Also? That Albert Einstein poster that every college dorm room has? That’s got to go. What do you think this is?
And is that some food I see on that stack of CD’s?
First of all, stop acting like you have CDs. It’s 2014. Second of all, get rid of that food.
3. Baby proof your house
It’s just horrible what happens to Jamie Foxx, turning into Electro like he does. And his transformation is a stern reminder to all parents to make sure their electrical outlets / power points are covered up with those plastic things. I don’t know what they’re called. I just know you buy them and shove them in there so your baby doesn’t smash its face into them and electrocute itself.
4. Don’t fight with your spouse in front of the kids… with electricity
I can’t tell you how many times my lady friend has been tempted to wield a taser or an electric livestock prod when we have an argument.
“I wish I had a &$^#%#ing electric livestock prod,” she’s fond of saying. (That’s what true love does to people.)
And while I would never want to invalidate her feelings, it’s just not a good idea to wield those kinds of weapons when you’re fighting over whose turn it is to fish the camera out of the toilet.
Or whatever. I don’t know what kinds of problems you have in your house.
5. Don’t let your child be friends with people who look kind of like Leonardo DiCaprio
Seriously, doesn’t Harry Osborn look a little bit like Leonardo DiCaprio?
I mean, look at this guy!
Andrew Garfield is a handsome man, but no one wins when you’re friends with someone that perpetually young looking and dreamboat-y. Your child is only going to feel old and ugly and bloated all the time in comparison. Also, people will constantly be sarcastically singing the Titanic theme from across the street, asking him to paint them naked, etc.
6. Teach your kids the importance of wearing protection
Look, Peter Parker and Gwen Stacey are sweet kids. They’re responsible and they want to do good in the world. But sometimes those hormones get going and before you know it there’s a little Petewen (new popular baby name alert!) running around.
Just look at the way they’re smiling at each other. They’re thinking about one thing: S-E-C-K-S (sp?).
So before you let your child leave the house, you need to remind it of the birds and the bees and what happens when a mommy loves a daddy. Because guess what? Spider-Man’s going to be Spider-Man and Gwen Stacey wants to be a scientist so you’re raising that spider baby. Is that how you saw your life working out?
7. Sometimes the kids get the hose
A lot of parenting is just putting out fires. LOL. Sometimes you’re sitting there, trying to enjoy your singing competition on the TV and the kids just won’t be quiet. They just won’t! You could talk to them calmly and try to explain the value of televised singing competitions but, frankly, you’re already a little embarrassed and exhausted by how your taste has devolved to this point.
That’s when you hose those kids down.
8. Don’t be sarcastic with your kids
Listen, Spider-Man’s a little bit of a smart a$$ (sp?). Bit of a wise acre. It’s one of the things people like about him. But when he talks to a pre-Electro Jamie Foxx, he’s a little sarcastic, though well-intentioned, and it messes with the guy’s head. Then he turns into Electro and goes nuts.
This was a stern reminder to be careful how we use language around our kids. For example, the other day, my little miracle baby wanted to watch Kung Fu Panda over and over again…
My Little Miracle Baby: Let’s watch panda bear again.
Me: It’s called Kung Fu Panda and while there is nothing in this world I would rather do than watch it over and over again…
MLMB: Then why the &%#@ are we still talking about it? Put! It! On!
Do you see what happened there? I was being sarcastic about watching the movie over and over again and he took it literally. Then things got nasty.
9. I will not tolerate backtalk in the form of showing me the front page of a newspaper
You show me the funny pages or you show me nothing, mister.
(Photo Spoiler Funtime Alert: Zoom in on the caption on that baseball photo and tell me what you see.)
But what about you guys? Did you see the movie? What parenting lessons did it teach you? What parenting lessons did it NOT teach you?
Do you think you’re above taking parenting lessons from a comic book movie? And, if so, where do you get your nerve?
Either way, please leave all “Luv it!”s “Thank you!”s and “How do you do it week after week?!?!”s in the Comments.
[Photos courtesy of Sony Pictures]