You guys, I’m not normally a competitive person, but when I saw that the Babble parenting site had a post listing 8 things to avoid when putting your baby to sleep, I became angrily consumed by anger and jealousy, AKA the competitive spirit.
“Eight?!” I said to myself and anyone else listening, which was no one. “Shoot. I can do better than that.”
So I put together my own list of tips for putting your baby to sleep based on mistakes that lots of people make. But I didn’t stop at eight. I didn’t even stop at 18. I didn’t stop at 38, either. Nor did I stop at 68. I stopped at 79. That’s right. 79. Never in the history of parenting has anyone put together a list so extensive and comprehensive. This is next level stuff, people.
When you go through this list, you should be sitting down and wearing a helmet, because I won’t be responsible for the way your head explodes and you collapse into a heap of nothing because of how amazing it is.
This list is so good, you don’t even need to have trouble putting your baby to sleep to find it useful. You don’t even need to have a baby! If you’re a living, breathing human being or reasonably intelligent animal, you will love this list.
Let this list be your guide to life.
Let it wash over you like baptismal water and seep into your pours and burst light from within you. Become one with this list. Love this list as if it were your spouse. What has he or she done for you lately, anyway? What, really, when all is said and done, will he or she ever do? Will he or she give you an inner peace and clearly labelled signposts providing answers to all the important questions of life? I seriously doubt it.
Now that I’ve given you a good idea of what you’re in for, here, without further ado, are the 79 tips for putting your baby to sleep you shouldn’t and can’t and won’t live without…
Tip 1: Be very quiet.
This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised by how many parents get it wrong. They bang pots and pans. They place enormous speakers in the baby’s crib and play thrash metal while it’s trying to sleep. What is wrong with these people? Don’t do that.
Tip 2: Say “shhhh” a lot.
Your baby will respond to soothing sounds that come from you. So saying “shhhh” or “psssst” or “chachachacha” will put it in the mood to slumber.
Tip 3: Don’t just throw the baby in the crib. Put it down gently.
You’ve had a long day, the baby’s been a huge pain in the neck and all you want to do is crack open a bottle of wine and quiet the voices. So you might be in a rush.
But tossing the baby into the crib is only going to agitate and disorient it, putting off sleepy time by at least an hour or two. Ease the baby into that crib. That’s the way to go.
Tip 4: Take all the nails out of the crib.
Why do you have nails in the crib? Don’t you own a toolbox or something? Come on.
Tip 5: Get a real crib. Don’t just use a drawing.
This isn’t Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It’s real life. Trying to squeeze a baby into a drawing of a crib is only going to make it upset.
Tip 6: Are we really only at 6? My god, this is exhausting…
Look, I may have been a bit ambitious with that 79 figure. I know you might be feeling a little ripped off right now, but try to look inward. Why are you looking for so many tips on how to do something that’s so self-explanatory? Aren’t you being a little greedy? And if we’re being honest with each other, it kind of sounds like you’ve forgotten the first rule of good parenting: keep your expectations low.
Happy Father’s Day, everybody!
Is it Father’s Day?
Happy Father’s Day!
[Photo via FreeImages; This post originally appeared on Life of Dad. It may have been Father’s Day.]