One of the most difficult things about living in a far off land is keeping up with the traditions of my home, the United States of America. (Maybe you’ve heard of it.)
For example, I love watching the Super Bowl.
In America, I would get together with all my school chums and we would drink a lot of beer and eat a lot of chili and get really angry at each other because of things that happened in the past. “Stop bringing up old bullsh#$^@!” someone would eventually yell and then we’d all throw up during the halftime show for a variety of reasons.
So many memories, you guys.
But now that I live in Sydney, Super Bowl Sunday just isn’t the same. First of all, it’s Super Bowl Monday over here and the game starts at 10:30 in the morning.
Of course, the other problem is that my little miracle baby is Australian, so he doesn’t really care about American football, which he calls “wuss rugby” or “wugby”. It’s all cricket this and NRL that with this guy. I don’t even know what those words mean!
Well this year, I’m not letting any of that stop me from enjoying the Super Bowl. In fact, I spent the whole weekend preparing using this simple, guaranteed-to-work 5-Step Program:
1. Read the NFL rule book
Let me be clear. Unlike a lot of Americans, I do NOT know how football is played. I know you’re supposed to get a touchdown and that can be achieved by running with the ball and/or passing it, but there are approximately 3,492 different other things that are going on.
This year, my aim was to understand all of that. So I read the NFL rule book. I’m still not sure if it’s the official rule book. It said “Official” on the cover, but it also spelled “Rule” with two O’s – “Rool” – which was suspicious. There were also more than a few mentions of “home runs”.
2. Find out who all the players are
I don’t know who these guys are. They’re always wearing helmets and you can’t see their faces. It actually makes it look like they’ve got something to hide.
So I read the 1994 edition of Famous Friendly Faces in Football. I’m sure some of those guys are still playing. And I liked how friendly their faces were. Makes you feel comfortable watching the sport.
3. Set the alarm
As discussed, the Super Bowl starts at something like 3AM. Don’t trust yourself to just sense when it’s on the TV and wake up in the middle of the night without some sort of alarm.
I’m not even going to sleep in my bed. I’m going to sleep on the couch sitting up and set the TV to turn on to the right channel. Then, my eyes will pop open and I’ll be immediately thrilled by the biggest sporting event of my homeland.
4. Cook all the food the night before
It’s almost impossible to make chili and chicken wings at 2AM without upsetting somebody – your lady friend, a neighbour, your neighbour’s chickens… So I’m getting it all done before I go to bed tonight.
What am I making? Well, that leads me to the fifth and most crucial step to enjoying the Super Bowl…
5. Make Daddy’s Special 30 Alarm Mild Choo Choo Choke-Free Chicken ‘n’ Chili Gumbo
I don’t want to exaggerate, but this is the best food you’ll ever taste. I don’t care how good a cook your grandma was or what kind of love your pawpaw put into his barbecue sauce. When you taste some of this Gumbo, you will see those people for the dangerously incompetent clowns they really are.
I came upon the recipe quite by accident. I was locked in the basement kitchen of a baseball team pancake breakfast for six days and had to make do with whatever food they had. I put it all together and boom! The perfect family meal in just 72 hours.
3 kgs rock salt
1 kg Shredded Gouda Cheese
9 kgs Pre-cooked Chili (in case none of this works out)
1 Tarpaulin (to catch any extra chili that falls on the ground and needs to be eating right away before it cools down – don’t let that chili get cool, you guys!)
1 Football Helmet (to help you get into the spirit – also, this is the kind of meal that will punch you right in the face if you’re not careful)
13 Beef Chickens (if you have to ask what a beef chicken is, then the Super Bowl is not for you)
4 Cans of Spicy Bouncing Beans (Bold n Brave n Buttstrong brand)
9 jalapeno peppers
1 chili seasoning package
1 suspicious package
1. Put the rocks in a big bowl. Rattle it around.
2. Put the tomatoes, roosters and peppers in a pot. Bang the side of the pot with metal spoon.
3. Let all the chickens and beef chickens loose while screaming, “Who’s tasty?!”
4. Put the muskrat in the football helmet.
5. Put on the football helmet.
6. Start laughing.
7. Take the helmet off.
8. Wrap yourself in the cheese and tarpaulin. Raise the heat in your home until the cheese is melted.
9. Put the helmet back on.
10. Don’t touch that suspicious package. Still pretty suspicious.
11. Eat all the bouncing beans.
12. Get that muskrat out of there.
13. Where’s that crying coming from?
14. Can roosters cry?
15. Are you crying?
16. Put the melted cheese in a big bowl. Rattle it around.
17. Get some of those beef chickens out of there.
Enjoy the Super Bowl, you guys!
[Header photo via stock.xchng]