14 Ways Toddlers are Like the Turkeys in “Free Birds”

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Look, anyone that knows me knows that I’ve got this daddy thing pretty much sewed up.

I’ve made unbelievably smart observations on everything from making kids love winter  to proper breastfeeding technique.

For me, a big part of being amazing at parenting is about being able to draw parallels between parenthood and movies. A lot of lazy, deadbeat daddies out there might not find parenting lessons in The Amazing Spider-man 2. Guess what? I did.

So the other day, while I was watching the delightful animated film Free Birds, out now on DVD and Blu-ray, I put my parenting expert hat on and you know what I noticed?

I noticed that these free birds, these turkeys, well, they’re just like toddlers!

I know, I know. Right now you’re thinking to yourself, “What?! WHAT?!?! Cartoon turkeys? Like toddlers? Somebody help me, please! My mind has never been so totally blown like this before! I can’t believe this! I WON’T believe this!”

Well, first of all, I’m going to need you to calm down.

Second of all, I knew the idea would be hard for people to swallow, so I’ve gone through the trouble of putting together a list of 14 ways toddlers are EXACTLY like the turkeys in Free Birds


1. They love eating pizza in bed! LOL!

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2. They’re easily riled up into macho confrontations.

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3. They look at their own body parts in wonder because they’re always learning new stuff, you guys.

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4. They always have that look of hope in their eyes when they visit farms.

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5. They look exactly the same. I’ve seen toddlers with beaks. I think it was in a documentary called Bird Boy or something. Might have won the Oscar. Not sure. Someone should fact check that.

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6. They’ve been to outer space? I’m so sorry. This is hard, you guys.

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7. They… order boxes of pizza in their bathrobes and… um… let’s just move on…

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8. Like these turkeys, I have seen a toddler travel through time. You don’t have to believe me. I know it happened. And so does the government.

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9. Every year, the president pardons a toddler. Not to prevent it from being eaten at Thanksgiving, of course. But because it has been convicted of a horrific crime, like punching a cute cat in the face.

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10. You can tell the girl ones by their eyes and cheeks and jewellery. I guess? Oh, god, this is not going well…

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11. Sometimes they get that cross-eyed crazy smile on their faces that just screams “I’ve been sniffing markers and I don’t give a %&#@&^@%#!! Hahahaha!”

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12. In addition to eating pizza, they also love drinking out of… what is that, a chalice? I think it’s safe to say that my confidence has been totally shaken at this point, you guys.

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13. Before they became toddlers, they were little furballs and their eyes were half the size of their bodies.

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14. They’re always pulling that “Want-some-pizza-BANG-slam-the-box-shut-on-your-hand” trick.

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Wow. What did you think of THAT? I’ll admit it. Things got pretty dicey somewhere in the middle. Started feeling pretty bad about myself. But then there was that strong finish, right?

But what about you guys? Can you think of other ways in which the turkeys in Free Birds are like toddlers? And if so, do you think that makes you better than me somehow?


[Photos courtesy of Roadshow Entertainment]



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