Everyone knows breastfeeding’s a good idea. Did you see that Time magazine cover with the lady breastfeeding her 15 year old? That’s how good this stuff is.
But sometimes people don’t know how to do it properly. Even my special lady friend had a hard time when she was learning. It broke my heart to watch her aimlessly swing her Funbags (TM) into my little miracle baby’s face.
There are lots of resources out there for women having problems breastfeeding, but I vowed that one day in the future, when I got around to it, I would write a list of THE ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL breastfeeding tips for new mothers out there.
You should know that just because I’m a man, doesn’t mean I don’t take this seriously. I take all matters relating to newborns extremely seriously. Even if they’re not all little miracles like my baby, they may be valuable some day in the future. You never know!
1. Don’t just aimlessly swing your Funbags (TM) into your new baby’s face. It will only make him or her more hungry and disoriented.
2. Don’t use the word Funbags (TM). That’s mine. That’s what that TM stands for.
3. Breastfeeding creates a special bond between mother and child. If you’re at home, find a calm spot, play some classical music or sing a breastfeeding-related song, maybe something by Ratt.
4. If you’re in a restaurant and you have to breastfeed, make sure you’re ready to face any prying eyes with quick, snappy comments like, “Hey, Mary Poppins. Quit starin’ at my Funbags (TM).”
5. Stop using Funbags (TM). I told you, that’s mine. Mine!
6. Keep the breastfeeding hotline number handy at all times. They’re trained professionals and can be very useful when you’re in a jam. That number is: 1800-FUN-BAGZ. I’m serious, that’s what it is.
7. Putting an edgy, hip-hop “Z” at the end of Funbags (TM) doesn’t exempt you from copyright violation.
8. “Engorgement” may sound fun and funny and even a little sexy, but it’s not. It’s painful. You need to cool those Funbags (TM) down with an ice pack or something.
9. Find the best position that works for you and stick with it, whether it’s on the couch, in the hammock, or in the corporate blimp.
10. Get some company. You don’t have to do this alone. Get your partner or your accountant or that lady at the post office that may or may not have smiled at you or the fireman or a good character actor like William H. Macy to sit with you.
11. Be prepared for nipple pain. The best way to deal with it is with humour. Try calling your baby Hungry Hungry Nippos. Everyone’s laughter should alleviate most if not all of the discomfort.
12. Have a drink. Your baby doesn’t know what drinking looks like, so it’s best if he or she can watch you drinking something for inspiration. Nothing alcoholic, of course. Have you tried Sprite Zero? It’s pretty decent. What about grape soda? On your high horse about grape soda? Better get off. You’ve got a baby to feed!