10 Things That Will Make You Sound Like a Wine Snob

People that know me know that I love wine. In fact, if my little miracle of a son hadn’t come along, I would have named this blog Daddy’s Little But Still Quite Serious Wine Situation. (I’m still thinking of using that somewhere, so don’t steal it.)

I’ve settled the issue of whether or not it’s okay to give your baby wine.

My family’s recent trip to wine country after a harrowing bout of PRTR (Possible Road Trip Racism) is now the stuff of legend.

I’ve also explored how to avoid being a wine wanker for The Age‘s Executive Style section.

But while I was quite happy with how the story turned out, I thought an addendum might be valuable to the portion of readers needing a strict guide to the actual sentences that make people sound like wine snobs.

So here’s my list of 10 things that under no circumstances should be said aloud while drinking wine. Print it out and carry it around with you. It might save your life.

 

1. “Are you barbecuing a horse back there? I can’t smell the hazelnut in this chardonnay!”

2. “My pearls! The lip on this glass is thicker than the simpleton who served it to me.”

3. “As you have provided no clear white background against which I may examine the consistency and colour of this wine, I must use your large, protruding Neanderthal forehead.”

4. “The bouquet of this petit-bouchet reminds me of summers in Tuscany. How jolly our servants were!”

5. “If I can’t taste more than seven fruits in this Shiraz, I’m giving it to the dog.”

6. “Ol’ Warburtonposhface from the wine club is going to chortle his monocle off when he hears that I took a full sip of a 2012 Merlot!”

7. “I want to kiss you but you just drank a glass of the house wine and I can’t be sure of where it’s been.”

8. “Excuse me, I just need to make a note of how much I hated the wine you served me in your home, which I also hate.”

9. “Has this glass been blown properly? I simply can’t enjoy pinot unless it comes in an expert blowjob.”

10. “2006 was an excellent year for South Australia Shiraz. It was also an excellent year for me because I got married for the fifth time. Also, I don’t know how many children I have.”