10 Father’s Day Lies Dads Tell Themselves

Fathers lie to themselves every day just like everyone else.

And Father’s Day is no different. But if we recognize the lies and learn to dismiss them as such, we can limit the amount of damage they do to us as parents. And? As people.

Here are some of the most popular lies father’s tell themselves on Father’s Day…


1. I can’t be a good dad because I don’t have a lot of time or cash.

Being a good father has nothing to do with quantity. It’s all about quality. Maybe you work really long hours or you’ve got a nasty gambling addiction. If, when you’re home, you’re completely present, you’ll find that you’re still a pretty good dad.


2. I will always be haunted by the tight shorts I wore on Class Picture Day when I was nine-years-old.

Yes, your mother should not have put you in those New York Yankees sweatshorts. And even if she didn’t explicitly instruct you to wear them, she shouldn’t have let you walk out of the house with them on. Especially not on Class Picture Day for god’s sake. And where was your father when all this was going down? Just sitting there? Your whole family is to blame for this. That said, it won’t haunt you forever. Eventually, new humiliations will replace this one.


3. I’m not fat. YOU’RE fat.

Remember, you’re talking to yourself here. So you might be denying that you’re fat, but you’re also telling yourself that you are fat. It’s lose-lose.


4. Every day is Father’s Day. Even Mother’s Day.

Whoa, slow down. Those are two very different days. Hence the different names.


5. If I watch enough Danish television with my child, I can make him change into the kind of person that watches a lot of Danish television.

I’m not sure why you would want to turn your child into the kind of person that watches a lot of Danish television or what that kind of person even looks like. Is he or she different from the rest of us? Either way, you can’t change people. You have to accept them the way they are, even if they watch a moderate amount of Danish television.


6. Father’s Day is Billy Crystal’s best movie.

Are you nuts? Have you even heard of a little movie called, oh, I don’t know… City Slickers?!


7. I can’t live without my wine helmet.

First of all, what you really mean is that you WON’T live without your wine helmet. Second of all, what the hell is a wine helmet?! Never mind. Just take it off. Take off that wine helmet!


8. If I lift enough weights in the living room, my wife will join in or at least give me a spot.

Your wife is tired of you lifting weights in the living room. That’s a communal area. Not a gym. Christ, man…


9. Father’s Day is a more important holiday than Christmas.

What are you talking about? Everyone loves Christmas! Even people who don’t believe in the backstory! You can’t compete with that. Stop trying. I mean, no one even knows when Father’s Day is! And it’s on different days in different countries! You know what’s on the same day no matter where you are in the world? Christmas. That’s how much people like it!


10. I’m too old to change – and to be punched in the face.

Yes, it’s true. You’ve been around for a while. You’re not 23 anymore. You’ve discovered who you are and you’re comfortable with that. And while you’re probably not finding yourself in situations where you will get into a fight, it’s extremely important to remember that anyone can be punched in the face.

At any time.

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